Being faithful and grateful in a stable situation it’s easy and normal. But how to keep this grateful heart when I can’t see anything in front of me. When all my dreams shattered so bad and what I have on my hands are nothing. Where is God in the midst of storm that coming into my life recently? Where is He when I need Him in the worst time of my life?
What I can see now is nothing. What I can feel now is nothing. What I can reach now is nothing. What I can think now is nothing. What I can dream now, is nothing. I feel so crush deep inside my soul and I even can not pick up any good things in my life right now or remember about the good things and the kindness of God in my past time.
It is like a nightmare when I tried to sleep at my own bed without having any resolution, in hope that tomorrow will be a better day. In a thought, that the good things are still happen later and what you have been through last night was just only a dream, which will be easy to disappeared when you open your eyes.
But this morning, when I woke up. The situation still the same. Nothing changes. There is no bright light I see after I opened my eyes. That dark hole still around me, surrounding me and this heart still feels so much hurts. All I want is taking a little breathe, a small one, a fresh energy which can lite up another power in this dark storms and give me a new hope, even small one, at least can make me stand up again.
How many times I should feel this kind of feeling, being hurt by someone I respect most, I’m waiting most and I’m looking forward to be with? How many times a human heart can handle this kind of pain that degradation the whole soul pieces by pieces?
I’ve been this so many times.
And it still feels hurt a lot.
I even wonder, how much part of this heart do I still have? Literally.
I wish, I wish I never feel this kind of pain anymore. Can I just be happy like anyone else in this world? Can I just get what I really want the most in this world? When it comes to this area, all I can feel always being hurt and hurt and hurt. Do I worth enough to feel a long last happiness at all?
I hate being in a place where I can do nothing.
I hate being in a place that dragging me so bad to the bottom of life.
I hate being feel cheated by words and emotions that ever feel so good previously.
Is it what you want to make me feel so unworthy, unfair and unwanted? Does that pain should be I accept as a part of my life which follows me all the time. Whenever it comes to this area, only tears and hurt that I could get the last.
If I just can ask one thing. I just want to be happy, simple happiness. I don’t want to feel a short heaven on earth which later turns to be hell forever on earth.
So God, I ask you, where are You when I feel this kind of pain? Where are You when I feel so terrible and lonely?
Do you still here hugging me so tight and be my shoulder to cry on?
Do you ask me to be strong (again) and pass this situation bravely (again)?
Do you want me to rely on You even I feel and see nothing?
I will God, I will. Because I know it right away. I can do anything except trusting Your plans for my life. Life might be somehow is not so fair to me but I will hold unto You no matter what. I will trust You and give every pieces of my shattered heart to Your hands so You can fix it, restore it again and make it beautiful one day. I will listen to You rather than listen to my heart right now. My heart says nothing. Probably even it has a word, it will be a bad word and negative word. I don’t have any power to create another dreams for now, but I believe You still keep me in Your hands no matter what. And later, when I have a look to my own scars, I will be proud because so much I already feel and experienced. And I can be here now, because You simply gives me another hope to survive, another power to be strong.
Maybe now I can not see anything, but in the end of my journey in this world, I will see a rainbow that will long last forever in my life. A rainbow which none can’t erase it.