As I am sitting here on my chair, looking to my messy desk at my lunch time, I should write things that certainly cross on my mind this morning.
As usual, Monday morning in this lovely yet busy and crowd city, Jakarta, was so irritating. Traffic everywhere, a humid, hot weather and pollution can make your first day on the weekend so worst. All of us, who live in this city, should plan for Monday morning a day before, a night of Sunday once you wanna go out to the bed. Sound too much? Not for us, believe me.
Fortunately, I was back to my treatment again, yoga before enter the bed time. It was so nice. I was before a member on the gymnastic club, but later on, busy times of work consuming a lot of my spare time. Thus my decision to return to my original home, which far away from my house, cause me to sacrifice 4 hours return on the road. It’s a tiring days. I’m not kidding. I feel like, even to breathe it is a luxurious opportunity to have.
Anyway, as the sun shines happily on my face, I walk to catch my first day of week. Not a secret that lately I feel a little bit such a bad person. I feel so weak, I don’t have too much appetite and motivation to grab my days. I feel so bored with my own life. I don’t know what things so fun to do by myself. I try to enjoy it, but the more I try, the more I find myself feeling bore and gloomy.
I have lots of activities to make myself busy. Yesterday, we were having a fun yet first time photo session in the hotel. We were renting a studio room and make some cool experiment of photography session with some girlie and cute friends from Seattle and Canada. Honestly to say, I feel so happy to enlarge my friendship with international friends. They are such an eyes opener about so many different point of view, culture and life-style of Asian and Westerner. Which is I can learn from them as well they can learn from me how the Asian live and think.
It was fun. First time for me and it went well. So happy for it.
But back to my home, I am again feel such a grumpy person. The gloomy atmosphere came again surround me which I try to make it disappear as much as I can. It is really true, while you can not see simple things on life as miracles, you lose the magic of life, you start to complain and think this life as ordinary life, you think that everything around you it already right on that places – nothing so special about it and you overwhelmed with your “ordinary life” – you started to act “Well, this is life, nothing special on this life, as nothing special on my life.”
I know if you read this blog, you should think what benefit you will get from my writing today? I can say, maybe none. This is the hardest thing I found to write while I don’t really know what to write or “nothing-so-good-yet-special-to-share-about,” but once upon a time, I ever read someone wrote a statement (forget who and where I read it) ; “The hardest thing to write is when you don’t want to write, but you still keep your pen open and start writing.” – it is so normal if someone learn something then give it as an advise on his writing, but not for me today. I am really feel and overwhelmed in gloomy attitude, but yet, I still want to write.
Back to the sun shines that woke me up today, deep inside my heart, I still feel so grateful for being alive. But indeed, I feel so exhausted to be in a waiting room. My life now is feel like I am waiting on something which I don’t know what, how, where, who, why, when.. This is so frustrating, and yes I admit, I fall my self to the mood of complaining and in-gratitude behavior. We are human after all (poor excuse).
This is causing resentment, which also makes my body weak. Honestly to say I am agree with what Bible wrote : “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22) – that so very true. The more I expect my life is different than I have now, the more I feel my bones weary and sick. The more I can’t see all those simple things in life as a miracle to live, the more I feel my spirit dies in the name of routine and ordinary life. My life is not ordinary, I am even as a person not an ordinary human being. I am so full, complete, beautiful made and fearfully created to live this life to the fullest. I have a purpose on life even though I don’t really know as literally what it is. Talking about purpose I know sometimes so absurd. It’s like you talking about ghost but you never see one. It’s like talking to a destination which you never arrived. But for sure you and me, have purpose to live in this life. That’s why we still alive, still have breathes on our lungs and still can see the Sun in the morning.
I hate this when the feeling of “I wanna have that person’s life” “I wanna to be this” “I wanna do that” but I end up, doing my ordinary life, I end up doing what I like to do. Instead of being famous-person-who-love-to-update-their-life style-and-going-dance-on-the-prestige-club-in-the-town, I choose my time to be relax on my comfy cozy small room with book on my hands. Instead of being in traveler community and go get together with their parties, I find myself it’s better to create my own trip itineraries, or even travel solo. I like travel, also like to hear another person experiences of traveI, but sometimes I find myself happy more when I am alone. I am a person who is exuberant, cheerful, like to talk with others, eager to make friends, friendly and love being in society or around with people. But sometimes, I feel so exhausted about those kind of things and want to have my peaceful and silent moment, which only me and books or classic music.
Sometimes, I please myself by reading some comics or children books which maybe for people around my age find it is so useless and not fun to do. Instead of being a person who isn’t me, I realize it’s more fun for being and accept what I like and dislike. It’s ok for myself to not join the hip community or hip conversation and enjoy my time writing and reading. It’s ok for myself to skip the invitation to go to prestige club in Jakarta and just find myself watch Romance DVDs with all my fairy things feeling. It’s ok to to go quiet and peaceful place of scenery or city and not going to hip city as so many people’s destination such as Hongkong, Sidney and New York. It’s ok to choose visiting temples and old ancient building, rather sitting up in cool bars hanging and chit chat with some “cool person”. It is ok to go to the book store and stuck there and enjoying my moment alone, rather than spending my time on exclusive cafe on town and spend cash there. Or maybe, it’s ok to treat myself good with pieces of delightful cake with lots of fat indeed. My point is, it’s ok to be who am I even people think it is an odd behavior. If people can find their excitement in running, maybe I find one in yoga. If people can find their appetite on caviar, I choose tofu and beans for my lunch. Realizing this truth make myself so relieved. It’s make me back to my foot again when grateful heart as my inside machine to live. When others can be so hilarious pretty and skinny, have a perfect eyes and skin, I can be so happy with my short body, not so tan skin and pretty smile. Be good to yourself, and you will feel how good yourself is 🙂
And with this life that I have, I love it a lot even some people find and think my life is so ordinary. I can’t be everyone love or everyone babies, I can’t have all the things in life that I want to have, I can’t be that-so-famous-figure-and-awesome, I can’t agree all people’s opinion and I can’t disagree when someone tell me good and make sense information even against my belief, but I can be me, which is feel so special for me. I am so ready to embrace every little things in life and feel the magic of life itself.
When others try their head to toes for being perfect and exclusive, I love to be who has lots of lacks and weakness but still bearing so many strength to be smiling about.