Consciously Deciding

Hello, I know I am should working on with my articles for Get Stranded Journey, a free journey I got from Telkomsel. But now, there is something in my mind which I want to write down. People said, write can ease our mind. And yes, that’s true. At least, that’s what I feel. I think, when I am getting down, only words can help me get through the feeling. Like yesterday, when I was so feeling bad, I am going to the sport shoes store. I know I need to change my running shoes, there is a discount but I don’t feel really attracted with the shoes, otherwise, I am going to the next store, which is a book store. The result of my visit, I was handling three books which I am gladly buy it – even it’s not so important as changing my old running shoes. I decided to just fix the shoes and enjoy my moment reading that books. It made me happy, books and words make me happy. Writing makes me happy. So here I am, rather than sharing you my travel journey, I am gonna share to you what’s on my mind.

 

For those of you who read my previous article, might already know that I was humbly admit that I kind of sad because of my broken relationship. The day when my ex broke me up, it’s the day when I want to go to Lampung for a trip with my hiking friends. It was a bad day, I wasn’t expecting the decision he made. No one ready for those kind of decision – I am breaking up with you statement. I can say I was kind of blind and overwhelmed with the sadness. Glad I was having lots of travel schedule – such God already knew that I will have bad days and need to divert my focus to something that makes me happy and busy. In a row, I was having a trip to Lampung, Karimun Java, Penang, Philippines, Kuantan, Perhentian Island – then amazingly, I got another free trip to West Sumatera, Indonesia. Those schedule such to push me for not thinking about what happened to me and make me forget about it.

 

But I can’t forget. It’s really such a failure for me. I was feeling so bad for myself, since the relationship still can be counted as short one. I feel like we were not giving our best effort to survive in this relationship. There are many causes of the decision he made, which I honestly can not understand because both of us still like to each other. During the post break up time, I was really mad, angry to the situation, angry to him, angry to myself. All that I can feel and see only negative point of view. I called him many times, I text him many times, I just can not get rid from him since my previous days, was full with him before. But later on, I feel so tired, very tired, inside and outside my self. Time that I can use to do something more productive and positive for me, I wasted it for crying and looked after him.

 

I became someone that I don’t like.

 

People know me as a cheerful person, someone who can positively seeing everything a head, someone who believe in God and trust Him that He takes the charge of my life. But in those moments, I am become so negative, I looked down myself, I felt pity to myself, I had a very big disappointment to my own self, him and this situation.

 

Then few days ago, I asked him to block me from every social media we used to connect before. Why? Because I know my weakness. I am really a vulnerable person in the matters of heart. Once I am fond to someone, I really care to him and wish the same reaction comes from him. Once I found someone that I can deeply trust – indeed I trust so deep and always think, that things won’t change, people won’t change, we are live happily ever after, but of course it’s not right. Everything always changes. I am kind of hopeless romantic person because I believe we can face everything as long as we love to each other so deeply. When I started my long distance relationship with him, my sister told me, “long distance relationship is possible if both of you have a strong love.” And she proved it by marry a French guy after 2 years in long distance relationship between France and Indonesia.  I told him, “by blocking me it doesn’t mean we are an enemy, it’s only a way for me to forget about you, a way to make me have a total distance from you. Later, if God wants it, we can see to each other again, or just become a good friend.”

 

The idea of writing this article, not because I want to complain and transfer you my sadness. Instead, I don’t have any purpose why writing it. I just want to release the words in my brain and let it explode. Yesterday I had a talk with my friend, and she told me to just be myself while writing, yeah because I know, personal talk won’t be so fun as travel advise, but those who wander around the globe, also have feeling to be shared, right? 😉 And I always believe, when I write, just write. Maybe I haven’t had the answer yet about the topic, or maybe my writing can not give anyone solution or help, but at least one person is happy and feel relieve, me.

 

It’s day 4 after I asked him to block me. People think I am desperate, maybe I am. But just like you want to quit from smoking, you need to cut everything that remind you of cigarette and smoking. So that’s what I did. If you ask why should he to block me? Because he is the sweetest man I ever met, and I know he still cares a lot about me, and it makes me can not move on and accept the situation that we are not being together anymore. Instead, I am going to expect him over and over again. I ever tried to block him in purpose to make myself strong and force myself to forget about him, but later on, when I missed him, I went so crazy to able to talk with him so I unblock him again – don’t laugh, yes I know it’s ridiculous. I feel bad to him as I feel bad to myself. So I genuinely asked him to block me – which I know it’s also hard for him because he thought we can be a good friend. Yes maybe we can, later. When I already healed and able to see him genuinely as “just friend.” At this moment, I know my weakness. Then since he blocked me, I feel like something just cut from myself savagely. Something that I always holding on and look after suddenly gone. If the love poems mention about losing your half wing, yeah, probably that’s what I feel.

 

I walked but I am not really walk.

I breathe but I feel like I was losing my breath.

I slept but I feel like my brain always thinking about him.

Oh I want to stop from it.

 

Until today, I saw a short video about how a woman gave a birth to a baby which premature 3,5 months and only weight 1,5 lbs (I have no idea in kilogram). Baby Ward is so small and thin. I am really speechless and try to put myself in her shoes. I am so happy that the woman not gave up on him and still take care of him so fondly. Later on, the video record how Baby Ward growing up and now able to live just like normal baby. Then I think, oh gosh, my problem is so tiny comparing to her! Why should I think my life is ended now? I admire of her strong effort to not defeated by the bad situation and crying the whole times, living the life full of resentment to God or everything. I am happy that she not allowed herself to be trapped in hateful and regret or etc etc. Instead, she loves the baby so total and it changed his life.

 

So now I think. I need to stop being sad and try to look life in a good way. I still have this life, a healthy body, a work that helps me to travel here and there, family that love me, friends that able to cheer me up, hobby that make me feel productive as human. I wanna try to look the good in life as how he (my ex) told me to do, over and over again after he knew I am really sad during the post break up.

 

I don’t want to be blinded fool and think fantasy about what happened to us in the future. The first step for being in a life without regret is to understand my current situation is real. Now I am single, now he’s not my boyfriend anymore, but it doesn’t mean that my life ended and I am not complete as a person, as human being, as a woman. I am still me. Someone who doesn’t know what the future brings to me, but having a lot of faith for something better and brighter than the days I faced before. I even don’t know whether I will be single forever or maybe in the next days I will meet another guy who loves me so thoroughly and genuinely – or people may tell, the soul mate. I have no idea at all about the next days and what will be happened later. All I know, I should live for this moment, I should live for myself, because the only person who really care about me, is me.

 

I will not regret about the moments me and my ex ever had together. A friend of mine told me, goodbye always happens in a relationship between two person and we know it, only we expect the good one will be last longest. He might right. Even he only came in my life for short time, but he still the sweetest guy I ever had, he’s not a bad person and it makes me smile to remember everything about him. I wish him a good life wherever he is now and a smile on his face if he is coincidentally reading this article 🙂

A Nice Weekend Trip by Train to Bandung, West Java18

 

Now I’m gonna smile for myself, not for anyone else and do something that makes me happy. Because myself deserves my own good smile and so many things to do rather than being sad.

 

Cheers,

Dea

 

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