Yesterday, when my dear friend massaged me, we have this random conversation about life and how we are still single at this moment. Yes, she is a friend that I always asked to massage me if I feel very tired. For the last two months, I had too many trip, long hours on the bus ride, waiting on the airport and few times of short flight including it’s waiting time in the waiting room for delay schedule. It’s all made my body feel very sore and I really need a massage and a good sleep once I am home.
The thing is not always happen as we want, that’s true. Because my friend also just arrived from her trip from Bali, so she can’t massage me. I need to wait for a week before she finally able to come by to my home. As usual, few hours massaging won’t feel so much and pass so fast, because two things ; the nice feeling to get the massage – especially when her fingers try to release the sore muscle I had – that’s nice even some touches sometimes feel so hurt because she said, my muscle already used too much! ; then another nice feeling is because we always have conversation while massage, after sometimes I almost fall asleep because the relaxing touch, but later on, the conversation keep going for hours!
So yesterday, she asked about my relationship with my ex boyfriend. It’s kind of funny and ironic because the last time when she was there, at my room and massaged me, it was the time when I felt down from the motorbike in Sulawesi and I still took a picture of us and give it to my ex. She was so surprised how we already separated now, she thinks we were so in love before – ah yeah, I also don’t want to think about “why” and “why” so much. Life is full of mystery, even I honestly think, the mystery some times made by human themselves. Anyway, I never know the answer at this moment, so I avoided the question and just answered her, “I don’t know.”
Reading my reaction of the question, she changed her question with some news about our old friends – we were before in one church together, and from her, I know some of our friends now married. Ah, my ex from that church even now already had 2 kids. Ehmm, I can not imagine myself (if I still with him) that I am probably now already have 2 kids and can not travel again and never been able to see Europe, or Nepal, or Vietnam or Cambodia or etc etc. Those travel things that I am so much enjoy at this moment. She told me how some of the girls now already pregnant, or have baby, or become newlywed.
Maybe my mind is sound so small for you. But I am not against woman for being a mother or wife. I think that’s a great gift in our life stage. Some women having a joy for being wife and mother. But I just can’t imagine myself for being pregnant, giving birth to a baby (ouch) and raise them with (almost) whole of the times I have. Then being a wife which need to act as a good wife, a good lover on the bed then need to prepare stuff for husband when me, myself, probably so tired after going to work the whole day. I can not imagine that, even I believe, once I will be on that stage, I will able to do it just like normal women do that activities daily, around the world.
That’s why I like (wish) to have husband from western culture, it’s not merely about having a white guy next to me – or having cute baby (mixed of Asian and White) as how people make joke on it, but also I realize the different point of view they have with some of Indonesian men I met here. Since I ever being in relationship with two kind of men (Western and Indonesian) so I can feel the difference. At least for me, when I am having a relationship with western, they really appreciated what I want to do, my dreams and how I want to be independent. My previous ex ever said really beautiful statement when he knew I have a dream for being a writer, he asked, “What can we do to make your dreams come true?” That’s the most romantic statement for me than “you are the angel of my life,” hihihi. While with Indonesian men, I feel too much instruction involved in the relationship and the idea of being a person they want me to be, not who I want to be. The idea if you are being a wife, then you should be at home or serve him, your husband, if he is hungry, thirsty or need to have a good clothes. Whoooaa. Some people said, if you love him, you will do that easily and willingly. Yes true, but that idea such a nightmare for me. Maybe God knows how selfish I am still as a woman now, so He isn’t giving me the chance yet to meet my soul mate and let us become husband and wife. I don’t know.
Anyway, back to our small conversation while she massaged me, we try to look our friends life now which already have some kids, the changing appearance of their body (both of them, husband and wife – which usually become more “happy”) and for simple example, how I read their statuses on Facebook mostly about their kids, how sore their body after cleaning up the house after work the whole day and how difficult to find money for buying the milk for the kids, etc etc – yeah, spending a weekend in one mall can cost around Rupiah 500.000 (USD 50) only for eating outside and let the kids play the games. Crazy! While for me, my sore body mostly happened because I am waiting for a flight, or dizzy because works or preparing another journey by packing my backpack – oh YES, I know, I am still so selfish at this moment.
You know, I am really respect for those my friends, that already brave enough to decided for being in a marriage life – and having children. Some of them already having 2 or 3 kids, while I am now, never know the idea of how much the hurt for giving birth a baby. I am so admired their responsibility and dedication to their family and husband. Women are really strong creature, you know. I also like to see people get marriage and I also want to have my own husband later – it will be so nice to have someone who can hug me the whole night, everyday, who can share with me his life and thought – as well I share mine to him. Who can understand and able to rely to each other, who can travel around the globe together and do some hiking together. I want that too, and I believe one day, when I am ready enough, those puzzle will be completed and I will find him as he will find me.
Based on the random conversation with my dear therapist friend, we can conclude the situation why both of us still single at this moment, because we still not ready yet and we still enjoy the time we have as a single woman. But human is really a great adapter, when the time is coming, I believe there is a power inside us that make us able to be ready and handle those responsibility, because human are such miracle creatures. Until that time comes, I’m gonna use my single life as maximum as I could. As my sister said to me, “Since you are still single, go to see this world as much as you can. Travel. Not because you won’t be able to travel again once you get marriage, but the feeling and the freedom will be feel different. You should think about many aspects before going to travel with your husband and kids, different when you are single, one person.”
So alright, being single is also ok for me 😉