I think 2014 is really a difficult year for me. Maybe I don’t have a really physical pain or great loss in material or something. But I lost my boyfriend, I lost some of my friends and my job is suck. Year are short but days are so long, as written in the Happiness Project book. That’s happened to me. 2014 year that I entered with so many hopes and expectations, ruined into one single year of bitch that never give up to make me feel bitter and sour with all the conditions.
Do I sound like complaining? Yes I am. Sometimes, I tried my best to be such a good person to my family, my friends, my boyfriend, but it doesn’t seem enough. Everything leaves me speechless with words. I tried my best to understand people with their own unique behaviors, but I ended up in disappointment. I think love covers all and if I stick to love, I can make someone I love can love me back. It was useless. A man that makes me falling in love with him in so many times, also make me feeling so broken heart for so many times. I just knew that heart broken can be happened so many times by that same person?
It is still beginning of December but my hope for this 2014 already run out. I always thinking, the end of the year is my special time since I born in December. I am a December 22 babe. Believe it or not, when I tried to take a look of “how personality for a person who born in December 22,” I found this :
People born specifically on the 22nd of December are anticipated to be ambitious, intelligent and witty with the usual Capricorn understanding of the importance of being prepared. You highly determined, dedicated, practical and realistic. If you have this birthday your active serious temperament likes to work and play hard but is full of nervous energy too that makes relaxation sometimes difficult. Very persuasive with an adventurous streak you are inclined to possess lots of creativity, eloquence and probable musical talent along with strong opinions. You are incredibly charming and patient with great sensitivity but also shy and prone to be a bit secretive and private. Individuals with a December the twenty second birthday are usually progressive, flexible and positive with big plans for the future.
Then comes to the area of personal relationship :
Typically someone who loves deeply but also easily fears rejection or disappointment in romance. This does not prevent you from being wonderfully attentive to a long term soul mate partner’s needs and wishes. You will usually rely on instinct to find a special partner to help you relax and with your sensitive yet level head and sense of humor you tend to keep a relationship solid, sincere and happy.
I make a bold for some of words that amazingly just how I feel about myself. See that “someone who loves deeply” part – yes, I have lots of difficulties being a person who is loving someone so deeply. I tend to really be careful with who I trust, but when I think I can trust a person, I finally too deep so I feel huge rejection and disappointment when my intention of caring misunderstood or the person hurt me in the way I can’t compromise anymore.
As I am going older next month. I know there are so many parts in myself that need to be fixed. I am not perfect. But usually, I know what I want and I make it happened. Usually also I always do my best in every responsibility I have. Such as relationship with someone, I take it very serious because I want to do my best and make it works just like the words above ; you tend to keep a relationship solid, sincere and happy. I want a solid relationship. A 100% trust and a commitment that strong enough for all that small or big obstacles during the relationship.
I also a person who use both my logic and feeling. What is the purpose of brain if you don’t balance it with heart? Only cruelty as the result. Then what if only using feeling without logic? Prepare yourself for being an idiot. Yes, both are supposed to be balance. My understanding of balancing logic and feeling might be different with what people think about it. For me, if I believe in someone after my logic calculate everything and my heart feels the positive guts toward him/her, I will fight for the relationship/friendship I have with him/her. Once my brain said, no way, it doesn’t work and my feeling says, “Stop it! You waste your heartbeat and better to prepare some space of your heart for another person who worth it.” The most turn off for me in human relationship when someone is lying, contagious spreading bitter and negative energy, talk rubbish and take my feeling for granted.
Then I will stop. And I know, as long as both of my logic and my feeling say, “Failed. Failed. This is so failed.” I will stop and never look back again. I’ve done my best anyway. That’s why when you have me, as a friend, as a lover, as anything, I can make you sure, you can count on me cause I am always try my best to be there for you and never get me on a pretending shoes.
Because of this approaching through life, some people said I am stubborn. Unforgiven. Selfish. Some even said I have a bad personality. They can say whatever they want. But I still close the door. Paulo Coelho said, Close some doors today, not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere.
But life is not ending just that. The story still goes on. After I close the doors, what will I do next? Who will be with me again later? Sometimes, I end up being alone. Then I started feeling so lonely. So lonely like suffocate me. Then I remember George Washington ever said, “It is better to be alone, than in bad company.”
For certain times in our life, the path might be so long and has no end. The journey might be so lonely and full of sorrow. The situation might be so bored and the heat is too much. But, every each human in this world, should walking their own life alone and conquer it. No matter how we escape, there is moments when we should fight alone, breathe alone and do everything alone without anyone notice, make us smile and give us encouragement. It is such a dark alley a head me after the door close. Fears can be so overwhelmed for some changes in life. The journey might be looked impossible, but again, time will teach you there is always possibility and always something to learn from everything. Then I will do what Jim Morrison once said, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. YOU ARE FREE.”
I don’t mind you said I am a bad girl, bad person, bad personality, pathetic, etc. I don’t mind at all, because you don’t know me. What I’ve been through and what is my capabilities in life. I don’t mind you think I am rubbish and never want me back to your life, because you know what, even rubbish has a meaning and function, it can be recycled into some power and energies, into stuff that another human needs.
But I am not a rubbish. I am also not pathetic. I am also not one who is perfect. I have so many flaws and ones who really know me know it, that I always willing to learn. I am only a person who has a big heart. Big big heart for people in my inner circle who I care a lot until there is no reasonable reason to still doing that. When that time comes, then it’s time to close the doors, because it leads to nowhere. Make a space for another things and let me keep some room in my heart for the unimaginable.
Don’t worry, I will continue to share my heart and affection to people even it’s been broken.
Happy First of December!