It is exactly a month ago that I decided to being away from my personal account in social media. I don’t have a certain reason to do it. Only at one time in my life, in the middle of the night, after so much drama and wasted energies lately, the urgent feeling to being off from my personal account just came to my heart and I decided to do it, two days after.
It was 3 of November. When I finally deactived my personal account in Facebook, uninstall some of social media from my smart phone and laptop. There is no me again in What’s App, Skype, Viber and Line. For some people, it might be an easy thing to do. For me, it was really a difficult thing to do. Like cutting myself from an usual breathe I took daily.
A day before I left my personal account in Facebook, I already told people by putting a status of my intention of leaving Facebook in the next 24 hours. Some people curious and asked me why? I just can replied, “I have no certain reason. I just want to do it.” An half of hour before I finally clicked the deactived button, I tried to scrolling down my 1200+ friends on my list and trying to find people who I still want to keep in touch with. I sent them email. Only for 20+ person. Not more than 2% from the total friends as my acquaintances in that famous social media page. I was shocked! Is it really less than 2%? So who are the remaining people that I usually seen in Facebook daily? Some are old friends that I never spoke with for years. Some are just new acquaintances that I met only one time. Some are totally strangers that I knew from community page. The ones who really close people to me, I can count them by my fingers. The truth hit me so bad.
My days and nights were different without social media in my phone. Usually, from beginning of day until the sun sets out, I can see someone giving me text on my phone. From unimportant random talks to really heavy discussion or just a joke in the middle of the day, my fingers are never rest because I am always busy talking with people. Some girl friends talked with me about their love life. Some guys flirted with me in casual text or just a conversation to planning another trip together with some of my friends. I was so busy with those whole activities, it made my eyes never really shut and my life never really becomes so silent. People and those ringings phone always surrounding me.
Suddenly, it was all gone. I am alone. My phone became so quiet. No one texted me. No one send me a text to asked what I am doing just as previously, when contacting me was a free by social media. I can understand them, who want to really pay to contact someone while there is a free application lately? But I was feeling so lonely and only the four white walls and my books that accompanied me night by night. My worse time when the night comes and I finally laid my head on my bed and nothing to do until I fall a sleep. That time, previously I played with my smart phone and trying to stalking people’s life by their Facebook or just talking with some friends until I fall asleep.
The loneliness was killing me. I tried to occupied myself with some good books and some good movies. But in beginning, it didn’t help. I feel so lonely, like I am unwanted by anyone else in this world. I felt like I am almost crazy.
“Why do I write? It’s not that I want people to think I am smart, or even that I am a good writer. I write because I want to end my loneliness.” – Jonathan Safran Foer
But luckily I am not crazy. I don’t want to just doing nothing with my life. I tried to make a move by focusing myself on writing and take care my blog. It saved me! As you know, I love to write and being a writer in the future is my own goal. I put lots of effort in writing more and more and slowly, the feeling of loneliness step by step was gone. I know, it is not really gone forever, sometimes I am missed the chatting and the random talk with my friends, but now, I can say that I am enjoying my own quiet time. My silent moments, when only me and my soul. I can talk to myself more and listen to myself more comparing those times months ago.
“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.” – Dag Hammarskjold
The good thing of being away from my personal social media is how I can feel my own sadness. I just realized it, how sad I am as a person inside. How vulnerable I am. I was thinking all the time that I am strong and cheerful person. But all the activities, random friends, random conversation make me ignore my deep weakness and never really face it and fight with it. I learned that every each of us always need to be alone to fight their good fight. Some “demons” that actually already deep inside our heart but we never face it directly because we tend to be distract by “being busy”, “being famous”, “being exist”, “being fun”, “being cool”, in front of people, but inside, our heart is breaking down, our soul is empty, we never really face our own fears and win from it.
“It would be really wonderful if people connected to the loneliness of what it means to be a human being in the world today.” – Elisabeth Shue
For me, it was like I soberly killed myself because I know, that I am a person who have such up and down mood. By deciding to be away from social media people, to be alone, might be not good for me. But you know what, it might be the best decision I had ever made. Why? Because only by being alone I can really feel my fears, my doubts, my weaknesses, how sad I am, how bad I am as a person, how vulnerable I am, what is my flaw and how negative I am can be. Why should I need to know it? Because only people who know what things they are need to fight that will win over it. If you don’t know what you fight, then how could you conquer it and win over it?
Then after realizing all those negativity, I can really understand my own self and handle my weakness part by part. I remember what Jim Morrison said, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. YOU ARE FREE.” That’s totally what I learned now. Previously, I was wondering why some people that really so looks good and cheer up outside, especially in their social media, looks like having a good life, having lots of friends and busy with so many activities can end up their life by suicide and being depressed in mental hospital? I am not say that I don’t deal with depression or I am good. I do deal with depression lots of time. Especially when I am going older and I feel my life is not good enough compared by society who judge me as they want to judge.
But, I think, one of the reason why some people chose to end their life by suicide or being a crazy person (literally) because they never learn to accept their own loneliness and flaws. They always push that feeling away by doing so many activities and be with people with the help of social media. Social media can be a good stuff but it is also can be a bad weapons that cover our own fears by fake ‘temporary happiness’. These people know their weakness but they don’t want to face and conquer the feeling. They hide it by the dinner invitation, then the lunch invitation, concert invitation, running invitation, gym invitation etc etc etc, all the stuff that makes them forget about their own sadness and drift them away from facing their own fears. Until at one point, that sadness comes to them and prey them because they will shock with their own fears and they can’t handle it.
“Some people can’t stand being alone. I love solitude and silence. But when I come out of it, I am a regular talking machine. It’s all or nothing for me.” – Celine Dion
Naturally, I am an extrovert person. Not only by writing but also by talking. Being with another human is my addiction. I should have something to do. I should have being with someone else and doing some activities. I am usually arrange things and love to make friends with people. I was thinking, by being away from Social Media, I might be an introvert person. The silly thing is, that extrovert person can admit is how we want to be introvert sometimes. For me, I am struggling by hiding my feeling. My face and myself just like an open book. It will be so nice if I can hide my feeling, be mysterious and be a bit of introvert. But that’s just not me. Wherever I go, I always naturally love to talk and express and show myself more as usual I do. I know now, it’s nothing to do with social media or not. Only now, I don’t have any burden to show people. I am not trapping in that social media lifestyle when you need to expose a good life otherwise you will look so pathetic with your life. And people will think you are not cool. That kind of lifestyle was really poisoning me! Do you also realize that social media divert you from some of beautiful small things that might happened in your life? Sometimes, you just miss the moments because you are too busy answering random talk in Whats App group or stalking people life in Facebook.
A friend told me, “But you also can be a silent reader in social media, Dea. You can just be easy with what people do without being care so much or envy.” Honestly I said, I might can, but maybe not now. At this moment, I know, I am influenced too much by what people do with their life. If they are having a good life, travel a lot to places I never been and having a really nice relationship with their boyfriend, I might be so envy and thinking, “Why can’t I?” “Why I don’t deserve the same life as her?” “Am I not good enough?” “Am I fail?” “Am I ugly?” – I know my weakness to myself. I always blaming myself when something isn’t going as how I want it to be. That’s the problem of a perfectionist person. Or maybe, that’s my own problem, hehe.
So being away from social media and dwelling in loneliness can be a good thing to me. I still remember how my ex can be alone for hours, only him and his mind. First time I heard that, I was thinking, “This guy is so crazy! How can he does that?” I looked back at myself, I never can be idle and doing nothing while my mind always wandering somewhere else. I need something to do. I always need something to do. Believe me, it is still happen, but now, I can do something more productive as writing or reading a real book rather than, reading social media statuses or stalking people’s life.
So, do I suggest you to be away from social media as well? Well, it’s up to you. This method works for me but maybe not from you.
Only by being alone and living with my own loneliness, I can hear myself well. It is the stage of my life, when I need to really dwell in my moments and trying to understand what I am doing, why I want to do something, how will I do it? People say thinking about yourself is selfish, I said, thinking about yourself is a way to love yourself more. And now, I am still learning to loving myself more by not blaming my soul every time something bad happened in my life.
“I am learning a lot about myself being alone and doing what I am doing.” – Chantal Kreviazuk
One of the hardest thing to do while away from social media is how I need to stop talking with my ex. He was the love of my life. And he still is. The only person that still giving me a big smile only by accepting a short message from him. He is the sweetest man I ever had. But I also know, with the situation that we have, it wasn’t good for me to be there and waiting for his messages while he doesn’t really care about me anymore and having a new life. I should take care of myself more and working on my life more. But being away from him, cutting the social media with the consequences that I will not able to contact him again and seeing him (online) again was thrilled me. Day by days, times fly so slow. Minutes by minutes, I need to drink my own suffering. Now still, when I am writing it. Only the difference now, I am learning to feel it. Feeling all the pieces of being alone without him. All, pieces by pieces of loneliness. I face it, accept it, until that loneliness will not affect me anymore.
“I am lucky to be in loved with him. I am lucky I can expressed it, because love is always wonderful feeling and rich my soul.” – Dea
I can say to you that I still turn on some of my social media page. That’s all pure for my writing career and self promotion. I built a new Facebook page so I can promote myself without any friends there so I don’t need to feel the jealousy and eagerness to see what people do and compare their life with mine. I also still have Instagram to promote the travel adrenaline I have and showing the world of my photography arts (If I can call it as an “art”, hehe). I also still have Twitter to promote the articles I wrote to people I don’t even know who (but perhaps inspire them to travel). But those all only in the name of “work”. So there is nothing to do, with what people do, what people eat, what people wear and what people love looks like, compared to mine. I also still talk with few people I really want to talk with on Google/email – not chatting which taken so much time of me. Now I am enjoying reading and writing long email to some friends I really want to. Even I enjoyed the time when I finally meet my friends in real and talk hours with them about many things.
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” Gautama Buddha
I can say, now I feel more light. I am in progress for being more of me. I also feel more freedom as I don’t need to explain anything to anyone. I don’t have any burden to keep relationship with people who I don’t really intend too. Plus, now I know who is my real friends and people who really want me to stay in their life. I am also touched by people who looking for me because they can’t find me on Facebook as usual (I was so active there!). Thank you for that. Now I also know how is the feeling of being alone and enjoying it. You know that, I can see my room ceiling for an hour and let my mind wanders in peace. I find my solitude.
I don’t know until when. It’s a month already, and I can say, I am still in progress.
“Wisdom is merely the movement from fighting life to embracing it.” – Rasheed Ogunlaru