There is no conclusion of all matters – and that’s perfectly fine

In the beginning of my trip to Europe, I just knew that a dear friend of mine was blocking me on What’s App. That was actually the only way for us to normally communicated. I was wondering, why did she do that? Then I remember the last conversation we had, I was very direct with my words to her and pretty strong statement.

The trip for me to France, isn’t really coming in the right time. That’s what I thought about it. I just quit my job as a Wedding Planner because an unfair manpower’s rule applied in the company few months ago. Because of that decision, of course, I have a really limited fund, but that time, my pride was higher than my logic. I didn’t need the feeling of being treated unfair by someone who actually come from different country to gain money in my own country.

Short of the story, because the plan already made since long time ago, I was facing a hard time to explain to my family as well. A real struggle came to my mind. Shall I still keep going in the time when I don’t have enough money to survive? How about my life in Ubud? How about my dog, Goreng? Oh man, can the trip being postponed until the right time, when I actually can fund myself and able to see more of Europe.

The only hard thing I thought that time also the fact that I will be in a continent that I already longing to see since years, and I will not be able to travel. A continent that I am having so much friends scattered in so many places, as well, I have so much dreams to visit and explore their cities and villages. I really wanna do backpacking and visit some of countries, as I did 6 years ago. The fact that I might only stayed in France, in a town that is 1 hour away from Paris, for most of my time, pretty much not appealing me so much.

Well, this is the pride of traveler, I call it as an ego. The ego to be in places as much as we can, to see more of the earth, and to tell people that we are going to those places.

Yep, that was a thought that haunted me all the time before leaving Jakarta to Qatar and France.

I might sound not being grateful for my life, am I?

Some of my friends told me that I should visit this and that during my trip in Europe and I just said to them, I have no budget for that.

Then I took a time to re-think about this in a different way.

Hey, look, I am so lucky to be in France in such amount of time!

There are plenty of people who actually want to go to Europe and they just can not.

Indeed, flight from Jakarta to Europe is freaking kill your wallet, and I am so grateful that my family covered the flight and we actually plan to see some countries while we are here.

Trip to Europe, is not for everyone.

I realized that.

And that was actually the reason why my dear friend blocked me from What’s App, because I know, France, Europe, it’s already on her mind since loooong time ago. That was actually how we both met, we learned French together for a year, 13 years ago. I don’t mad with her. Until now. I understand why did she do that. Either my strong words, or the envious feeling of I am going to Europe, was made her like that.

The act started, when she was asking about how much is the flight and how will I manage to fund myself during my stay in Europe. I said to her, why do you always want to know, I felt irritated because I sensed a hidden jealousy through her words, as someone who always saying what I thought, she can’t handle my statement, and then I can’t find her anymore in Whats App.

I love her. I always do.

I just sent her a message to What’s App, saying “Greetings for Eid Mubarak.”

I also knew that she already unblocked me since few days ago – after about more than 1 month we don’t speak to each other.


I think, some of us have the right to back off or approaching someone we love, in the name to get more space for our own good. To think, and re-think, to consider whether all the connections are worth to hold or not.

There is no point to bring anger up because someone choose to leave us ; for good or for a moment.


When my family and I were visiting The Netherlands, I had a mixed feeling since this tiny country actually played few stories in my life. I had 2 exes from The Netherlands. I had a rough bad break up with the first one, and not-so-bad break up with the other one (hahaha). It was difficult move on with the first one because so many expectations on that time. Our communication now is really poor, but after years, we finally able to text again, just to ask our news and wish each other a happy life.

Different story with the other one. Because his strong stubborn attitude to keep us in contact as a good friend, even I was very bad to him that time, and come again, and bad again, he was still there to accept my rage and my calm soul. He said, he knew it’s difficult to face a break up, he understood my feeling, that’s the reason why he keep me as a good friend, and there we are now, we are still a good friend, who normally share to each other the news about who is our partner at the moment or whether we are having someone.


I told both of them that I am in Europe, I had a neutral comment. We don’t have any plan to meet, but at least, we are now in a condition that we are in peace to each other.

I have thought what is the purpose of me going to Europe. It’s so funny that I actually brought a book of Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage, that I haven’t read it (shame on me), that I actually brought the book as well on my Europe trip, 6 years ago.

Then I thought, hmm, maybe, one of the reason is for me to be in a clear and neutral condition. Being in Ubud, is hard sometimes, and breaking from Ubud, for a while, it’s really good for my soul. Another reason, maybe, it’s a good time for me to make a good closure ending to my past. To those people I loved in the past. To really let them go in order to make something new and fresh from the beginning.

All long distance relationship sometimes made us not able to have a good closure ending.

By being in the same continent with all my exes, I somehow understand how the ways they think back then.

Then I tried to connect with a guy who I actually had a recent crush. I actually don’t really felt head to toes with him, but the moments when we spent together was amazing until I found out that he chose the girl in his town over me, after saying I was his soulmate. Another bullshit, but that’s life, it happened to you, it happened to me so many times, so I don’t have a feeling to be sad again.

Indeed I was crying like crazy that time. The danger of being rejecting is making you feel that you are not worth enough.

Until I realized, a rejection can be a good way to make my feet come back in the right order.

If someone isn’t good for you now, chance a very little, that he will later.

I need long time to realized, that was actually a blessing to being rejected by him, but I still think to make a good closure ending with him, until I got a long shit lecturing message from him that keep blaming my personality as the reason for him to keep the distance of me.

Well, I said to myself, enough. Enough is enough. Sometimes our good intention can’t be seen as a good intention, instead, he thought that I am chasing over him and can’t accepting the fact, that he choose that girl.

I said to him, fuck off.

And I don’t regret it.

After that, I decided to walk to the park and have time for myself. I feel so liberate, so relieve, so much freedom.

There is an atmosphere in Europe, that dragged you into a point, that everything should be like the way it is. Flowers will be blossomed when the spring comes. The heat will hit us when the summer comes, then the leaves will fall down following bunch of snows. All the routine and seasons, somehow remind people that everything will come in order. It’s actually kind of make me sad, since I don’t see the chaos, a beautiful chaos that I often see in Indonesia. A chaos that teach us to struggle and to survive. In this beautiful, clean and organized country, I feel people tend to walk without seeing each other’s eyes, to walk without notice how beautiful all the wild flowers on the road, to walk without notice how crazy and eerie all the statues in the church. They walk straight, because everything is so normal for them in here.

And I walked alone because I feel so much freedom and happiness inside of me.

As how happy I am to see all the wild flowers on the street.

No, we can’t have all the conclusions for things that happened to us. What we can do, it’s to enjoy to the fullest all the chance life gives to us, either you are in Ubud, in Jakarta, in Bali, in Europe, in France, in wherever in the side of the world.

I hope you have a joyful Friday.

Happy Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim friends and family.


Dea Sihotang




One comment

  1. I met a french girl in Australia and she said that she loves Australia more than her own country. And the reason is Aussies greet more than frenchies. To her all th greets she got are warm.

    So, I do understand how you feel now.


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